Talking to Children About Cancer: Advice We Hope You'll Never Need
We hope you’ll never need to know this. But if you do, our Maryland therapists have you covered.
When a family experiences the shock of a cancer diagnosis, questions about explaining it to children often follow. Parents face the struggle of telling their children about something they are just beginning to understand. In the midst of their own hopes, fears, deep emotions, and unanswerable questions.
This is likely new territory for everyone involved. Your usual ways of talking about things can seem inadequate for the task at hand. It’s normal to worry about how your children will take the information, and whether this will change their development. Your relationship with your child can help you navigate this, one step at a time.
What if I have anxiety? Or my child does?
In this situation, everyone will have some anxiety. But if you already know you become anxious easily, or you know this about your child, it’s important to keep that in mind. Your history of anxiety has already shown you how you or your child might react.
Use this information! What does your anxiety usually do when you hear bad news? And how do you usually handle that experience. Plan some time to use your best coping skills before and after the conversation.
Anxiety can trick you into thinking the worst.
A cancer diagnosis brings up a lot of uncertainty. We don’t know what the next weeks, months, or years will look like. Even if the cancer is considered terminal, there are questions of when or how the end will come.
Watch out for your anxiety’s tendency to predict the worst. Anxiety fills in the information gaps with the worst case scenario, and tells you it will happen. Remembering that we don’t know can be a powerful tool. For more on tolerating uncertainty, click here.
Keep the conversation simple and factual.
Telling your children that their loved one is ill can be very difficult and emotional for everyone involved. That said, there are many ways to support your children as they face the challenge of a sick loved one.
● Try to stay calm, but don’t be afraid to show emotion — it will show your children that it is okay to be sad.
● Ensure your child knows that they are not to blame for their loved one becoming ill.
● Make sure to go at your child’s pace, so as not to overwhelm them with information. Keep your statements short and developmentally appropriate. (This may mean talking to your children one-on-one instead of in a group, depending on age differences.)
● Be ready to answer any questions your child may have about illness and death. Know that there will be more conversations with more questions. You don’t have to cover it all at once.
● If in a treatment stage, let your child know that doctors are caring for the loved one to help them stay as healthy as possible. Predict that he/she/they may be tired from the treatment, lose their hair, or feel sick.
● If the cancer is known to be terminal, be honest and transparent when talking about death. Use the words “cancer” or “dying” and avoid euphemisms so your child does not get confused or blindsided by technical terms when speaking to others.
Coping with grief and loss
Grieving the loss of a loved one can cause a lot of sorrow and stress for your child, and for you. There is no correct way to grieve, or correct timeframe for grief. It is important to give your child the coping resources they need to get through this devastating time in their lives.
There are many ways to relieve stress and provide emotional support to children who are grieving the loss of a loved one. Play is a vital source of stress relief for children. While this may not feel like a playful time for you, continuing to laugh and play can be good for you both.
Children often need other nonverbal ways to process their feelings, such as music, dance, or art. Keep materials available for your child to use his/her/their go-to strategies. And use them yourself, too!
Take care of your own mental health
Your child’s greatest source of comfort is you. You may feel some guilt during this time about needing time to process your own feelings. But do take that time.
Having an open, honest, and supportive conversation about cancer can help your child understand what is happening to their loved one. But it also shows them that you, their parent, can handle tough stuff. Your child will watch how you take care of yourself, and learn strategies for themselves as well.
Stay active in your relationships
You may not feel like spending time with friends or family during this time. Take some space if you need it, but do stay connected to others. Humans have a basic need for connection, and relationships have tremendous healing power.
This goes for your loved one who is sick, too. Engage in favorite activities together, however you can. Family members with cancer often tell us they are happiest when others spend time with them as they used to before they were sick.
If your loved one is facing terminal illness, spend time together cherishing your relationship if possible. Share fond memories, and tell them about any feelings you’ve been keeping to yourself. Doing so will help your healing in the long run, and remind them that their relationships are still here.
Help your child stay connected too
Your child may or may not feel comfortable seeing their loved one looking ill. But may be able to text, write, or send art. And maintaining their connections to other important people (you, friends, pets) will be healing for them as well.
And of course, if you need more guidance, reach out. We are fortunate to have a therapist on staff with a background in oncology social work. And we also have the unfortunate experience of having loved ones with cancer.
Our thanks to Emily Poppe of Mesothelioma Hope and Sonja Chestnut LCSW-C, Oncology Social Worker, for their writing and input on this post!
